by Stefan Gearhart
A walk onward. I took a walk the other night, contemplating life and the mysteries therefore present in it. How far can one walk? How far can the mind stretch its wings in deep thought. Quite awhile actually. I walked for a good 3 1/2 hours. Nature had its way with me.
I was cold. I was tired. I was out of breath. Worst of all, I was lost. Not physically, I was on the right track towards ye olde homestead, but I was lost in cogitation. My mind had slipped into a sort of meditation. I was thinking hard. Pondering the universe too deeply. I became overwhelmed with an emotional fervor. Caught up like a wind by my own inclinations. Copious amounts of images pervaded my third eye. Images of beauty, of the past, of love lost, of spiritual icons, of emotional letdowns both self inflicted and those caused by others, of the future, of pain and suffering, of joys and sorrows, of becoming a Father, and so on.
Like a super computer I began processing all of this information and insight. Some of it caused me great pain. Reflections of the past can bite you. Some of it caused me joy. Hope for the future can be reassuring. Some of it caused me enlightenment. Remarkable acumen into the present can open doorways into the soul. Almost rip them off of their hinges to show you an ostentatious view inside.
I was given a ticket to leave my mind and enter my soul for just a glimpse. What I found was profound and bewitching. I found me there. Me. All this time. Looking for answers and what I found was me. This me that I found wasn’t me though. He was something greater and more alive. He was intriguing and full of magick. He was thoughtful and edifying. He was me. This idea of me I strive to become. I saw it. I felt it.
I awoke and found myself sitting on a tree stump with no recollection of how I got there nor any remembrance of stopping to sit. I found a gentle release from this unintentional walking meditation and took a moment to check in with my body. I was out of breath. My heart was beating double time. I also realized I hadn’t moved very far from my last waking moment. I was physically beaten by a meditation. Like I had been on some crazy narcotic, though I had not. As I caught my breath I looked upward to the stars and spoke to my Lady Branwen (my personal goddess). We spoke of my recent anxiety and fear and the confusion and pain that accompanied it. The lack of communication and understanding seems to have caused me to cerebrate deeper than usual. Looked as if there was a tendency to become lost in thought. Surprise.
So many instances have caused me to be strong and walk with a broader step. This however, this new fear, has crippled me somewhat. I can still walk. I just was thrown off guard, taken aback a bit. The unexpected and confusing have a way of doing that.
I asked her, Lady Branwen, my goddess and spirit guide, the reason for the unintentional meditation. As I sat back waiting for the realization to become clear, I saw her. My beautiful wife. I saw her at her desk during her normal day. Her hand was on her head and she was thinking, very hard, about the same things. About becoming a new parent. She took in a deep breath, shook it off and then just continued on. That was it. That was all I got. I thought about it for a moment and picked myself up off of the stump and wandered home. As I walked through the snow and under the stars and thought about her, I thought about me, and I thought about the ideal me I saw earlier. Who am I to become? What kind of Father I will be? What am I to do with these gifts I have been given? How will she (my baby) turn out? What greatness will she be inspired with? Where is my life heading right now? Spiritually? I see the bright doors of the enlightened opening to me. I feel close. I just have to remind myself that suffering is a part of living, accept it and breathe.
I entered my home, removing my cold and wet shoes and socks. Shedding my jacket. I made a cup of herbal tea to warm my body and my soul. As I drank my tea I thought of my experience one more time, more contemplative than usual. I smiled. The gods have blessed me with all of this. With an amzing wife, family, and baby girl on the way. I am a part of something great. I finished the tea and wormed my way into bed and in the dark and I sent a thank you to Lady Branwen. I also gathered as much love and healing energy as I could and sent it to my wife and my unborn child. I drifted easily into sleep. Into a world of dreams and fantasies. I was for a moment, at peace.